'how can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22'

I've never had a thought that cannot be accurately summarized by a Taylor Swift lyric

When “Nothing New” by Taylor Swift dropped in 2021, it hit me hard and fast, but the most agonizing part of the song was a lyric I didn’t think quite applied to me. I was 20. “How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22” was relatable only in sentiment, not in exacts. Then, I turned 21 and suddenly it was wildly more relatable- I just had to tweak it by a year. When I was 17, I was on top of the world. When I was 21, my world went crumbling from beneath my feet. It went number one on my Spotify Wrapped that year. I thought the song was as relatable as it could get.

I am now nearing the end of my 22nd year. I know absolutely nothing. The original lyric is the most accurate. I should never have doubted Taylor Swift’s pen.

18 was the last year I could be considered an Honors student, the last year I had a solid idea of who I was or what my future had in store. I was depressed, sure, and unmedicated, yes. Drifting around with a constant headache, abysmal screentime, and nonexistent sleep schedule, it was the most “me” I have ever been. I was miserable, yet I had my shit together. It was contradictory, but effortless. I knew everything I needed to know at 18. And I knew what my future had in store.

Then Covid hit, and a series of mental health crises hit, and I lost all former sense of self. I tried on different personalities like hats (and I’ve never been one to pull off hats) and shrunk so far into myself that I became formless, fitting into whatever shape others required or requested of me. At 21, I thought I knew nothing, because I was aware that I’d lost a large piece of who I was while trying to be everything for others. But I knew enough to know that I was still looking for myself. And more importantly, I still knew what the future had in store for me. My best-laid plans were still there to bring me hope.

When I was 18, people treated me like I was older. They did this when I was 17 as well, and 16, and so on and so forth. Skipping a grade, being tall, and having a gnarly resting bitch face have always worked in my favor against me to make people assume I’m older than I am. I am a trusted confidante and source of knowledge. Others assumed I knew all about the world when I was 18 because I was so ‘worldly’ at such a young age. 18 and already in my second year of college. 18 and 6,000 miles away from my childhood home. 18 and drinking coffee black for a bigger hit, watching Audrey Hepburn movies at two in the morning. Real adults assured me that I was an “old soul.” Fellow under-21s told me I was the mature one in the group. So I also believed I knew everything about the world. And that was true, then. I knew everything about my world as it stood, and that was enough for me, and for everyone else.

I am 22. I am still looking for myself in the way I knew her at 18. I’m closer to finding her than I was at 19 and manic, but I am more insecure about not having her quite within my grasp. For the first time in my life, I feel like a child. Yet, I still resent if people treat me as though I’m naive. That’s not the case. I’m just… floundering. And the future is a mystery to me. I always thought I’d be at least a year into my career by now. When I was 18, there wasn’t even a chance in my mind that I’d be back stuck in my hometown at the ripe old age of 22. I was supposed to have a studio apartment complete with cat in a city of my choice. How did I get to New Hampshire? Everything in my life that was certain to me as a teenager has fallen out of my grasp, and I’m searching for new future to plan for.

How could I have my whole life ahead of me at 18, but not a plan or goal in sight at 22? But I suppose… what a blessing it is to be relieved of the pressures of knowing everything. How exciting it is to know nothing, for the first time. Maybe 23 will bring about some answers, some new knowledge. But for the remaining week, I am 22 and know nothing <3